i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
