Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
two words...techno handjob
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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