i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
