i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Randomize
