You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just pee around me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
