How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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