Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
