Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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