You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
