walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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