My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
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