Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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