life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're so nebulous sometimes
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
