The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
