The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
