Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
