11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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