Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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