By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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