When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
