i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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