I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
