either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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