it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
