Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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