Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
