i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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