My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
