I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
