omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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