The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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