the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
