Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
