Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
