were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
