I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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