Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
