I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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