My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
