adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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