I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
