Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
