I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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