I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
