i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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