Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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