hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
