You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
