I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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