so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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