I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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