I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
