At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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