I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
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You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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