Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
