so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
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I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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