that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
