I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
