I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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