Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
