dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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