'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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