my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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