There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
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I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
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I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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